Under False Pretences
by Misaki Love
Summary: When all is said and done, and I have no more energy, no more will power to control myself and to stop me from slipping... i can still pretend that she's mine


Under False Pretences

Disclaimer: I do not own furuba, I do not own furuba, I do not own furuba…

Under False Pretences

I hate the way she makes me feel.

Love; love like I have never felt before. I yearn for her like a caged bird yearns to be free. Just to be with her…Sadness, I now know that I'll never be with her. When I was younger I thought that maybe I had a chance, that maybe one day I could be her knight in shining armour. But I know now that it can never be. I was a fool to even think that something in that manner could even possibly happen. She loves _him_ not me. Her happiness is what's most important, and I'm never going to be the one that makes her happy. _And that's what destroys me_. Knowing that I could never make her happy, I feel so selfish to think that I could take her away from him, from the one that she loves. Every time I look at her it feels as if something cancerous is slowly eating me away, torturing me from the inside… _Slowly killing me._

Every time I look at her; she's looking at him. Her long honey-brown tresses blowing in the wind, her smile, bright enough to light even the darkest chamber…

_All directed at him…_

But he never notices, he never takes it to heart. He takes her soul, her delicate, fragile spirit and crushes it. He takes her smiles, her condolence, her words, her _love_ all for granted. He could never love her the way I do, yearn for her the way I do, want her the way I do…

And then I hate myself. I hate myself for acting like this. For portraying Kyo as the enemy just because I want to bind her to me. I hate myself for letting her do this to me, for wanting to act this way, because it's so much easier just to give into these sinful desires than to fight them. I try so hard, so desperately hard to fight them. To try and stop loving her. I fight back the tears, and the anger and the pain when I see them together; laughing, smiling, holding hands and whispering to each other lovingly. I try smile when I see them kiss or melt in a lovers embrace. But the pain of rejection is too much and I turn away.

And ironically, the sad fact is that it's not even her fault I'm like this, it's mine. I should have told her how I felt, I should have said something… but I didn't. Just like the coward I am.

I could never make her smile the way she does at him, never make her as happy.

But I can pretend.

I can pretend that those smiles are aimed at me, that at night she'll think of me as the one she loves. That she'll be here with me, in my arms, securely around her, protecting her from any harm. I can pretend that she'll look at me for the first time and realise how much I mean to her. I can pretend that when I say that I love her, she'll understand, and realise that I really, truly mean it… _because I know that she doesn't. _I know that she sees me as a small child, chasing rainbows and butterflies, happily eating my cake and ice-cream. _But it's just a façade, just a mask I put on to reassure her… _I want her to realise that I'm here, that I'm real. That I'm alive. That I love her more than the air that I breathe, than the stars and the moon and the earth itself. That as long as she's with me I can feel safe again, feel whole again, feel alive again.

_She'll run into my arms, calling my name. I catch her; her face if full of exuberance, full of joy and happiness, all because of me, directed only at me. She tells me that she loves me, and that we'll always be together. I reply and say that I'll always protect her, always love her. We fall, tumbling down in a laughing heap, under the shade of a cherry blossom tree in full bloom. She lands on top of me and…_

All time stands still

_Soft murmurs…_

_Feathery touches…_

_Light kisses…_

And then I wake up

And then I wake up and feel disgusted at myself; that I've become like this. My sick, twisted fantasies and disillusioned ideas could only happen in a fairytale.

_And life is no fairytale. _

But as darkness falls and the evil within me consumes my every breath, twisting my mind in total and utter desperation. When I lose myself in my warped, sinful thoughts and enter my realm, my fairyland. I sit on the windowsill, looking over her; hungering for her warmth, her love. Totally naïve to the outside world, she sleeps, lost in her dreams. Dreaming about him, about me I don't know what's real any more. Her locks gently caressing her smooth porcelain skin, a small smile gracing her features…

_When all is said and done, and I have no more energy, no more will power to control myself and to stop me from slipping…_

I can still pretend that she's mine.

Erm, I know I should be updating my other story but this I just couldn't resist writing this one. I know I made it really angsty and I'm really sorry about that. I know Momiji is totally OOC and er yeah….

Jade don't kill me

R AND R


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